I'm sorry I have been MIA for a long time. On August 15th, my worst nightmare actually happened to me.. My dearest father has left this world forever. It was so sudden.. and it was so fast.. I've never been so depressed my whole life.. I thought I couldn't ever recover.
When he passed on that night, Razz and I were asleep. Usually I would put my phone on silent mode cuz I can't stand when the phone vibrates or beeps in the middle of the night. But at 11.30pm that night, my phone vibrated for a long time. Razz woke me up and was getting a bit pissed off. Who the hell would be calling me at this time. I woke up half asleep and saw my close cousin called me. I knew this must be important. Saw a lot of unread whatsapp messages. They're all from our family on my father's side. Cousins, aunties. I read them one by one.. and I just could not believe what I just read..
I was wailing.. I felt the world was spinning.. Razz asked me what's wrong... what's wrong??? At first I couldn't say anything.. I was just too in shock... when I was calling my cousin back, then I told him my father just passed away. When my cousin picked up, I asked her, was it true. She said yes.. I asked you're not lying? You swear?!! And she swore her life.. At that time I just dropped to the floor..
Razz took the phone from me, I was curling up on the floor. I just couldn't breathe.. My head was spinning so bad. I threw up. From the moment I found out about the news, and walked out from the apartment to go to the airport, I threw up three times. I've never ever felt so sick my whole life.. It was really devastating..
We were lucky to get the next flight out at the last minute. The next flight after that would be in another 7 hours. If I didn't get to board on time.. I don't think I'd get to see my dad for the last time..
The journey back home was the longest flight ever. I couldn't sleep. I was crying non stop.. Flashbacks and memories were rushing back into my mind.. His voice, his smile, his lovely face.. they were all coming back like flashcards.
When we reached KL, my in laws came to pick us up. My MIL gave me a change of clothes and a hijab to cover my head. Then, we went to the hospital to see him...
When we reached there, relatives were coming to give me hugs. I just slowly knew that this was really happening.. Before, I was still thinking this was just a big cruel joke. When I saw my dad, lying there.. motionless.. I had to gather all my strengths not too wail. I kissed his forehead, his cheeks, smelled him. Hugged him. I let myself cry like a little girl.
It's still hard for me to think and talk about it until this day. I'm still crying when I'm typing all this. Overall, the funeral process was a beautiful event. It rained when we prayed for him in the mosque.. It was breezy and cool.. Then the rain stopped when we're about to head to the muslim cemetery.. Only when everything's finished I realized how Allah made it so easy for him. And how he granted a beautiful day for us to gather and be with him for the last time.
I miss him.. till now I can't stop crying when I pray. It has been a huge lost for me and my whole family. I've been staying in KL since that day, as a lot more things happened after that.. One of it is finding out that mom got a brain tumor... but don't worry, alhamdulillah, she's ok now.. After two surgeries, she's back to herself now.
It's been crazy months. I didn't have the mood to see anyone, post anything on instagram or this blog. I was just too overwhelmed with mom's sickness and people's attitudes. All this negative things really swallowed me up. But thankfully, I'm slowly getting it all together now. Razz went back to Melbourne first. He let me stay in KL till March, till I get things sorted out for the family.
